“Most obstacles melt away when we make up our minds to walk boldly through them.”
-Orison Wett Marden
I haven’t written in a long time! The time since January has flown by, and I literally cannot believe it is April (I always say that don’t I?). This time I mean it. I have multiple times now thought to myself “the weather was not this cold last March!” and then I remember that we’re half way through April. Unbelievable. From January until the end of March I was exhausted between all of my new projects and training for Longtom. I was too exhausted to do much else besides just collapse on my bed every night.
March was an exciting month because we had our Mid Service Conference (MSC) in Pretoria. You may remember me talking about how I had been in South Africa for a year back in January. A few weeks ago marked the one year anniversary of being in my community. It is really exciting and also alarming to think about it. The clock is now ticking and I have less than a year to accomplish all of the things that I still hope to do! It’s a lot of pressure (self imposed) to get things done. At our MSC we had doctors’ appointments, dental appointments, and did some reflection. It was also my first time being able to meet the new people in charge of PC SA – our new Country Director and our new Director of Programming and Training. It was AWESOME to get to meet them and hear all of the exciting changes they have in store for PC SA.
I was really impressed (as I think we all were) with their plans to improve the program that I am a part of – CHOP (Community HIV/AIDS Outreach Program). The way the program is currently designed is that PCVs get placed with partner organizations and are supposed to focus on “building capacity” of those organizations. Well, as most of us realize after some time, for a variety of reasons that I won’t get into, that mission is admirable but extremely difficult (dare I say impossible?) for many of us. Therefore we shift focus, and redirect to different things. For example starting in December I shifted my focus to be on reaching out to multiple community organizations, largely the schools. The new CHOP program will look like basically what all CHOP volunteers are already doing – which is working with whatever community organizations we can to see an impact. Basically, PC SA is changing its program to be what it already really is in reality. From now on when they report back to PC it will look like they are actually reaching the targets they are aiming for! : )
Other changes are to refocus onto two (possibly three) Provinces instead of all the ones they are in now (I believe it’s seven). This means that my EC group (the six of us that are currently in the Eastern Cape) are the first and last to be sent here. I am personally sad about this, because I know how much the Eastern Cape could benefit from a long term partnership with the Peace Corps, but I also understand where PC SA is coming from. They want to really start to see an impact in South Africa and have seen great success from the Provinces they are planning to work in. I am so happy to have had the opportunity to serve in this amazing Province and I already look forward to the day that I can come back with my children to South Africa and show them where I used to live. I love the Eastern Cape!
At MSC we did a lot of reflective activities on the last year, and the year to come. There is a PC life cycle chart which shows the “typical” ups and downs of PC service (the mental/emotional rollercoaster so to speak). This chart we reference at every PC training/conference and it’s supposed to help you anticipate your feelings and also know that you’re not alone if you are feeling one way or another. There is a “slump” at MSC usually which I can sort of relate to. Lately, I think I have been having my first feelings in my life of “homesickness”. It’s funny to me that I have to put that in quotes, but this feeling is so bizarre and new to me that it didn’t even dawn on me that it WAS feelings of homesickness until a few days ago.
I can honestly say that I can never in my life remember feeling homesick – not that I don’t love my family, friends, and home. Traveling is probably my favorite thing in the entire world, and being off and experiencing new things is what I live for! But, I think that the realization that I haven’t seen my family, best friends, and home in over a year (and won’t again for another year) is sad to me. I miss all those things so much! It started back in February with me thinking an abnormal amount about the United States and all of the wonderful foods (and other things but mostly food/drinks) I could get there (I fantasize about a food…A LOT…). Lately I’ve been missing football games? I don’t think I ever actually really enjoyed a football game – this is what my mind wanders to though. Eish. While I have been feeling homesick, but I also think of this as my home and I can’t even think about leaving and the goodbyes I’m going to have to say without tearing up. It’s such a bizarre feeling. I think also, once you hit the year mark, the charm of the restrained life you live gets less and less charming.
I’m not talking about the simple things like getting used to bucket baths or cockroaches…I’ve gotten used to that and don’t even MIND the things like that. Its other things like not being able to leave your house by yourself after dark. Or, not having easy to access (basically ANY in my case) transportation options. Peace Corps Volunteers are free, but we have a restricted and restrained freedom that after a while loses ANY of the charm that it might have at one point held. The other thing that begins to lose charm is specific parts of the cultural differences. Each PCV has a different cultural thing that really impacts them and is difficult to deal with. Again, I’m not talking about the quirky things that South Africans do that we might think are silly or funny, but we get used to right away. For example the fact that random women strangers may occasional kiss me on the lips or people are consistently late is not a big deal to me, nor does it bother me. Those things are easy to get used to. I’m talking about the fact that gender inequality is all around me, all the time, in covert and overt ways. It is these types of cultural things that make you feel absolutely helpless that are the hardest to deal with.
I have no qualms about calling myself a feminist. I have what I would consider liberal views in this area and I’m not claiming that America is the land of gender equality by any means. However it is strikingly different here and having to see gender inequality all around me causes so many different emotions: anger, sadness, helplessness, annoyance, shock, and disbelief. Mostly it encourages me to try and figure out a way that I can reach both females and males to empower them to not allow these things to continue. Today I had a very disturbing experience that relates directly to this. As I got back from my run, I witnessed a very public fight between a couple on my street. The parents of the children that stay next door to me (they stay with their grandma) were fighting. The father wanted the mother to come back to my neighbors house (the couple doesn’t stay there just their children). Well she didn’t want to go. This did not matter. He was grabbing her arm, hitting her, while she was using all her weight to stay on the ground to not be dragged back. Eventually he picked her up by the throat and began to drag/push/pull/hit her back to the house while screaming at her. I was watching this in absolute horror, and really felt at one point like I was going to throw up. I watched a little bit longer to see him get her into the yard and continue to hit her with all his strength. I have never in my life felt so completely helpless.
I spoke to my host sister about it a little later and was so happy (and honestly surprised) that she said that if they are doing that then someone must call the cops. She told our other neighbor about it who basically shrugged it off saying that they always do that when they are drunk. I have to be honest and say that I don’t believe that anyone would ever actually call the cops on them, and multiple people witnessed this scene probably thinking what our neighbor thought “they are always like that when they are drunk”. Why? Because abuse of women is so unbelievably common and accepted that it’s normal. I have not ever witnessed a beating until today, but I have seen the outcome of abuse too many times and heard many survival stories.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, I generally like to keep this blog happy and upbeat but I also think it’s important to be honest and share the things that I struggle with, and PCVs all over South Africa (and most certainly all over the world) face as serious challenges. Things like cockroaches are insignificant when it comes to facing things like restricted freedom and gender inequality. And, for me, these things have taken a year to really sink in. They were always there, it’s just when you realize that they are there to stay for the rest of your service when it gets a little bit harder to bear. I’m so lucky though to have an amazing support system both in country and out. I don’t even want to think what I would do without my amazing PC friends!
The other big challenge I’m facing is knowing that I’m not going to see most of my friends again until December. This is a major bummer. My sites location might as well be on the other side of the world from most of PC SA. Also my South African besite Michelle is moving to Cape Town this Wednesday. I’m so excited for her because she’s wanted to move there for so long and this is an exciting new adventure for her, but selfishly I’m sad and wish she could pause her adventure until next March. And then finally I broke my external hard drive which compared to all of these things is ridiculously unimportant (except the potential loss of ALL pre-PC photos) but felt like the last little punch. Eish. Luckily I have my Eastern Capers to get together with! And I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT for my visit from my “roomie for life” Allie in July. I cannot wait to share South Africa with one of my best friends from the States!
For a happy ending: I did really well on my first ever half marathon! I got to see Sabie, Mpumalanga which is beautiful (minus all the clear cuts…sad day), and got to meet tons more PC SA volunteers from other groups. I ran 21.1 km (13 miles) in exactly two hours and ten minutes which I was totally stoked about. I couldn’t walk properly for three days, but it was worth it! The braai after the race was so delicious and a great party! PCVs are a fun bunch when you get us all together! I’m planning on keeping up a running routine but also adding some exercises in. I’m running a 5km race with Michelle’s sister in PE in May which I’m looking forward to and will be a breeze after 21.1 km!
Winter is upon us (even though it was 82 degrees today) earlier in the week it was in the 50s. It’s definitely getting colder and I’m just hoping it’s not such a wet winter like last year. I’m in the planning process of my Camp GLOW that we hope to hold in September over the school holiday. I’m getting ridiculously excited for this Camp even in the planning stages! Now I just need to buckle down and REALLY plan since the funding proposal is due in May. Eish. Otherwise all else is well. I’m re-reading my favorite book “Gone With The Wind” (which if you haven’t read you should) and loving it even more this time around. I am also SO excited that my kindle is finally up and running thanks to access to wireless internet (FINALLY) and thanks to sharing and giving nature of my fellow PCVs I have an absurd amount of ebooks to choose from. I’m really looking forward to starting the Hunger Games series, after that all the Harry Potters, and then the Lord of the Rings. Should keep me busy for quite some time!
My Inspiration:
“The adventure of life is to learn. The goal of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The secret of life is to dare. The beauty of life is to give. The joy of life is to love!”
-William Ward
